Wrong on so many levels

Standard

So, I’m at church, dealing with the many surprised congratulations that come from a whole lot of people just finding out I’m up the duff…

SuperOldandWrinkledManwithHugeOldManEyeBrowsandTuftsofHairGrowingOutofPlacesNoTuftsofHairShouldRightlyGrow:  I hear I am to congratulate you.
Me:  Oh yeah?  What amazing thing have I done lately?
SUaWM:  I hear you are with child.
Me:  Yup.  I got myself all pregnant over Christmas.

…in which the conversation takes a disturbing turn…

SOaWM:  So, is it Guy’s, or Santa’s?
Me:  Uh, well, I’ve never really been one for massive amounts of facial hair…
SoaWM:  Admit it.  Santa came down your chimney and stuffed your stocking.

I seriously need to find myself another church.

Advertisements

About Angela

My name is Angela. I am a 28 year old psych and criminology graduate, but I'd rather not diagnose you. I am a cuddle-slut. I can recite the entire script of The Princess Bride, (including accents) and believe that the meaning of life is contained within. Polyanna, Snap.com commercials, and Oprah 'reunion shows' make me cry. I can whistle and hum at the same time, but I cannot touch my toes. I am an expert in both listening and talking. I look good in orange. I am a writer. I kick ass in Gin, Hearts, and Cribbage but I don't understand Canasta or Bridge. I can be heard singing Broadway numbers from my shower, and have dressed up as a viking princess, (complete with aluminum foil breast plate) The Phantom of the Opera, and a Ghostbuster for Hallowe'en. I have a bird named Bean. I have a brother named Adam. They are not related. I like vanilla body lotion, peanut butter, saunas, Jim Carrey, broccoli, pets, TheOnion.com, Muppets, Kevin Smith, Corelle dishes, dry erase white-boards, Barenaked Ladies, Philosophy, the letter J, Harry Potter, picture frames, swimming, quilting, Michael Moore, genealogy, Raggedy Anne, tacky 50's tchotchke, 'Idiot's Complete Guide To' books, tweezers, feather pillows, polar dips, aquariums, Martin Luther King Jr., and Dr. Pepper. I don't like meat, gossips, cooked carrots, American Idol, mosquitoes, sweating, politics, public washrooms, tardiness, tuition, hunting, pat answers, pick up lines, brown bananas, cliches, pine scented air freshener, Kevin Costner, bacon, candied apples, pro-wrestling, humidity, and hypocrisy. Books I've read recently The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Dark Tower, When Nietzsche Wept, What's So Amazing About Grace?, Catcher in the Rye, Not Wanted On the Voyage, The Red Tent, The Little Prince, The Way the Crow Flies, Slaughterhouse-Five, The Poisonwood Bible, The Fall, The Knot of Vipers, Calculating God, The Chrysalids, Sick Puppy, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Franny and Zooey, The Brothers Karamazov, and jPod. I am slightly neurotic. No I'm not. Yes I am.

55 responses »

  1. *dies laughing* Old leches infest churches of all sorts, so if you change, you’ll just get to go through it again with a new group of old leches. Next time, have a taser handy? 😀

  2. *dies laughing* Old leches infest churches of all sorts, so if you change, you’ll just get to go through it again with a new group of old leches. Next time, have a taser handy? 😀

  3. *dies laughing* Old leches infest churches of all sorts, so if you change, you’ll just get to go through it again with a new group of old leches. Next time, have a taser handy? 😀

  4. *dies laughing* Old leches infest churches of all sorts, so if you change, you’ll just get to go through it again with a new group of old leches. Next time, have a taser handy? 😀

  5. *dies laughing* Old leches infest churches of all sorts, so if you change, you’ll just get to go through it again with a new group of old leches. Next time, have a taser handy? 😀

  6. Just wait until you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant and feeling about the size of a house, and someone walks up (thinking that they are really, really cute, and thinking that you’ve never heard this one before) and says, “OMG, you’re HUGE!”

    All I have to say is hit them once for you, and then hit them one more time REALLY HARD on behalf of all the other women in the world who have heard the same thing.

  7. Just wait until you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant and feeling about the size of a house, and someone walks up (thinking that they are really, really cute, and thinking that you’ve never heard this one before) and says, “OMG, you’re HUGE!”

    All I have to say is hit them once for you, and then hit them one more time REALLY HARD on behalf of all the other women in the world who have heard the same thing.

  8. Just wait until you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant and feeling about the size of a house, and someone walks up (thinking that they are really, really cute, and thinking that you’ve never heard this one before) and says, “OMG, you’re HUGE!”

    All I have to say is hit them once for you, and then hit them one more time REALLY HARD on behalf of all the other women in the world who have heard the same thing.

  9. Just wait until you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant and feeling about the size of a house, and someone walks up (thinking that they are really, really cute, and thinking that you’ve never heard this one before) and says, “OMG, you’re HUGE!”

    All I have to say is hit them once for you, and then hit them one more time REALLY HARD on behalf of all the other women in the world who have heard the same thing.

  10. Just wait until you’re 8 1/2 months pregnant and feeling about the size of a house, and someone walks up (thinking that they are really, really cute, and thinking that you’ve never heard this one before) and says, “OMG, you’re HUGE!”

    All I have to say is hit them once for you, and then hit them one more time REALLY HARD on behalf of all the other women in the world who have heard the same thing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s