Cover Me

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I just had a rather distressing conversation with Husband. Not that the content itself was upsetting, but the realization of why the conversation was necessary bothered me a lot.

The Scenario:

Husband just went on a business trip with a female employee. Said employee performed very well and Husband wanted to reward her for doing so. We were given several Movie Ticket Gift Certificates awhile back and he thought it would be a nice gesture to give them to her as a Thank You.

The Advice:

Be careful. If you give her a gift, everyone in the office will expect them from you. If you give it to her in private, the gift might be misconstrued. Employee could mistake the gesture for an overture, or, worse, if someone found out about it, they could be upset that Husband was playing favourites and/or assume that there was Something Fishy Going On.

The Inner Dialogue:

It disgusts me that we live in an age where we not only have to be careful Not To Offend, but are also forced to take into account the Total Depravity of Society. People assume that since they are perverse, everyone else is too. (For instance, how many of you snickered at the use of the phrase “performed very well”?)

The sad thing is, it’s becoming more and more necessary for people to cover their own asses…at the expense of camaraderie and fellowship. When Husband went on this trip in the first place, several people (including our pastor and one of our mentors) warned him to be careful and not put himself in any hazardous situations.

I remember an occasion where I brought a friend a cup of hot chocolate while he was working. My roommate, who was with me at the time, commented that I was Hot For Him, or some other such inanity. Apparently, “Here’s a hot chocolate” secretly means, “I want into your knickers.”

Even more recently, I did a friend a favour that required me to be in his company for several hours. No less than four people (including my mother and Edith) asked me What Husband Thought Of That. Arg.

I’m torn between wanting to present myself a pure and unblemished offering, someone above reproach, someone without the barest hint of impropriety, and someone able to say, “Piss off. Don’t put your hang-ups on me.”

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About Angela

My name is Angela. I am a 28 year old psych and criminology graduate, but I'd rather not diagnose you. I am a cuddle-slut. I can recite the entire script of The Princess Bride, (including accents) and believe that the meaning of life is contained within. Polyanna, Snap.com commercials, and Oprah 'reunion shows' make me cry. I can whistle and hum at the same time, but I cannot touch my toes. I am an expert in both listening and talking. I look good in orange. I am a writer. I kick ass in Gin, Hearts, and Cribbage but I don't understand Canasta or Bridge. I can be heard singing Broadway numbers from my shower, and have dressed up as a viking princess, (complete with aluminum foil breast plate) The Phantom of the Opera, and a Ghostbuster for Hallowe'en. I have a bird named Bean. I have a brother named Adam. They are not related. I like vanilla body lotion, peanut butter, saunas, Jim Carrey, broccoli, pets, TheOnion.com, Muppets, Kevin Smith, Corelle dishes, dry erase white-boards, Barenaked Ladies, Philosophy, the letter J, Harry Potter, picture frames, swimming, quilting, Michael Moore, genealogy, Raggedy Anne, tacky 50's tchotchke, 'Idiot's Complete Guide To' books, tweezers, feather pillows, polar dips, aquariums, Martin Luther King Jr., and Dr. Pepper. I don't like meat, gossips, cooked carrots, American Idol, mosquitoes, sweating, politics, public washrooms, tardiness, tuition, hunting, pat answers, pick up lines, brown bananas, cliches, pine scented air freshener, Kevin Costner, bacon, candied apples, pro-wrestling, humidity, and hypocrisy. Books I've read recently The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Dark Tower, When Nietzsche Wept, What's So Amazing About Grace?, Catcher in the Rye, Not Wanted On the Voyage, The Red Tent, The Little Prince, The Way the Crow Flies, Slaughterhouse-Five, The Poisonwood Bible, The Fall, The Knot of Vipers, Calculating God, The Chrysalids, Sick Puppy, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Franny and Zooey, The Brothers Karamazov, and jPod. I am slightly neurotic. No I'm not. Yes I am.

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