Cinderella: Revisited

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I was going through old files on my computer and found this. It’s the script my friend Val and I wrote for a radio show in High School (can you believe it was about six years ago?).

I can’t believe how ballsy we were.

I can’t believe we didn’t get suspended for this.

Too funny.

I tried to emulate Jon Scieszka of Stinky Cheese Man fame.

But more dirty.

CINDERELLA: REVISITED

FX: HAPPY MUSIC

Narrator: ONCE UPON A TIME IN A FAR AWAY LAND, THERE LIVED A GIRL NAMED CINDERELLA.

Mother: Cinderella! Did you finish doing the laundry, mopping the floors and changing the bed sheets?

Cinderella: No, I didn’t, Carol. And just because you’re my dad’s second wife’s sister who won custody of me in a bitter divorce battle, it doesn’t give you the right to tell me what to do. You’re not the boss of me!

Mother: Don’t you get bitchy with me! I spend all my time trying to provide a loving home for you and your mother’s third husband’s daughters from his first marriage, who, by the way, are now your sisters and whom you should treat better! And just because I don’t like you, I’m taking away your dishwasher privileges. You have to do the supper dishes by hand tonight!

Narrator: YES, CINDERELLA LIVED A TRULY HORRID LIFE, UNTIL ONE DAY, HER LUCK SEEMED TO BE CHANGING…

FX: MALE CHAUVINIST PIG WHISTLE

Pimp: Hello, doll. I bet you look good naked. What’s your name?

Cinderella: Cinderella. Who are you?

Pimp: You can just refer to me as your new, uh…manager. How would you like to dance naked in a bar, for money?

Cinderella: That sounds nice. Will I make enough money to move away from my wicked family and live on my own?

Pimp: If you look half as good naked as you do fully clothed, you’ll have no problem.

Narrator: SO CINDERELLA RUSHED HOME TO TELL HER FAMILY THE GOOD NEWS.

FX: SOUND OF RUNNING FOOT STEPS

Cinderella: …and he wants me to dance for money! Isn’t that great?

Mother: You must be joking! No one would pay you to strip for them. You’re butt ugly!

FX: CINDERELLA WEEPS: MOTHER LAUGHS

Narrator: CINDERELLA RAN TO HER ROOM, DEVASTATED.

FX: SOUND OF RUNNING FOOT FALLS

Cinderella: She’s right! I’m ugly and fat. I wish I was beautiful and thin like my anorexic friend Snow White.

FX: SOUND OF CRYING

FX: MYSTICAL CHIMES

Godmadam: Cinderella! Cinderella! I can make your dreams come true!

FX: MYSTICAL CHIMES

Cinderella: Who said that?

FX: MYSTICAL CHIMES

Godmadam: It is I, your fairy Godmadam.

FX: MYSTICAL CHIMES

Narrator: A BEAUTIFUL LADY APPEARED BEFORE CINDERELLA.

Godmadam: Fetch me a pumpkin to transform into a limo, a cockroach to transform into a driver/drug dealer, and two cantaloupes to transform into luscious breasts!

Cinderella: What about my clothes?

Godmadam: It’s your pimps job to supply you with something tawdry to wear! Now remember, be home by twelve, when the magic wears off, always use protection, and I get a 20% cut of all your profits!

FX: MYSTICAL CHIMES

Narrator: CINDERELLA’S SHOW WAS GREAT AND SHE GAVE HER FIRST LAPDANCE TO A HANDSOME MAN WHO MADE HER A LOVELY OFFER…

FX: SKANKY MUSIC

Prince: Hello, I am Prince Horneyashell. I was wondering if, after your shift, you would like to come back to my pad for mad, passionate sex, and if there is time, to get to know each other.

Narrator: CINDERELLA AGREED, AND AFTER A BEAUTIFUL EVENING OF HALF-DECENT, MOSTLY PLEASURABLE SEX…

FX: SOUNDS OF SEX

Narrator: …CINDERELLA RAN FROM THE PRINCE’S HOME AT 11:55PM. THE NEXT MORNING, THE PRINCE AWOKE TO AN EMPTY BED, WITH NOTHING LEFT OF THE LOVELY CINDERELLA BUT HER LACY BRA.

Prince: Footmen! We will search every stripper in town to find the woman who’s luscious breast fit these lacy cups!

Footmen: But the feeling of ladies breasts is not in our contract.

Prince: You’re illegal aliens! You don’t have a contract! Now, you’re going to feel these naked ladies breasts, and you’re going to like it!

Footmen: Excuse me. May I feel your squishies please?

FX: SOUND OF HORNS HONKING

FX: SOUND OF SLAPPING

Narrator: THE MEN TRACKED DOWN EVERY STRIPPER IN THE COUNTY, BUT NONE FIT THE BRA. HE FINALLY ARRIVED AT CINDERELLA’S HOME.

Cinderella: Oh, Prince! You’ve come to take me away form this hell I call home!

Prince: I think you’ve got the wrong prince! I’m looking for some chick with big tits!

Cinderella: No, no, that was me! My fairy Godmadam gave me big breasts by magic, but when the magic wore off, my breasts turned back into cantaloupes…

Mother: Okay, call the men in the white jackets…again.

FX: CINDERELLA BABBLES

Narrator: AND SO, CINDERELLA WAS LOCKED AWAY, AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN. AS FOR THE PRINCE, HE FELL IN LOVE WITH CINDERELLA’S SISTER’S BREASTS, AND MARRIED THEM…I MEAN…HER. AND SO, THE MORAL OF THIS STORY, IS THAT IT’S NOT THE DRUGS, SEX OR ROCK ‘N’ ROLL THAT MAKES THE 90’S SO SCARY, IT’S THOSE DAMN FAIRY GODMADAMS. THEY’LL SCREW YOU EVERY TIME.

THE END.

FX: HAPPY MUSIC

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About Angela

My name is Angela. I am a 28 year old psych and criminology graduate, but I'd rather not diagnose you. I am a cuddle-slut. I can recite the entire script of The Princess Bride, (including accents) and believe that the meaning of life is contained within. Polyanna, Snap.com commercials, and Oprah 'reunion shows' make me cry. I can whistle and hum at the same time, but I cannot touch my toes. I am an expert in both listening and talking. I look good in orange. I am a writer. I kick ass in Gin, Hearts, and Cribbage but I don't understand Canasta or Bridge. I can be heard singing Broadway numbers from my shower, and have dressed up as a viking princess, (complete with aluminum foil breast plate) The Phantom of the Opera, and a Ghostbuster for Hallowe'en. I have a bird named Bean. I have a brother named Adam. They are not related. I like vanilla body lotion, peanut butter, saunas, Jim Carrey, broccoli, pets, TheOnion.com, Muppets, Kevin Smith, Corelle dishes, dry erase white-boards, Barenaked Ladies, Philosophy, the letter J, Harry Potter, picture frames, swimming, quilting, Michael Moore, genealogy, Raggedy Anne, tacky 50's tchotchke, 'Idiot's Complete Guide To' books, tweezers, feather pillows, polar dips, aquariums, Martin Luther King Jr., and Dr. Pepper. I don't like meat, gossips, cooked carrots, American Idol, mosquitoes, sweating, politics, public washrooms, tardiness, tuition, hunting, pat answers, pick up lines, brown bananas, cliches, pine scented air freshener, Kevin Costner, bacon, candied apples, pro-wrestling, humidity, and hypocrisy. Books I've read recently The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Dark Tower, When Nietzsche Wept, What's So Amazing About Grace?, Catcher in the Rye, Not Wanted On the Voyage, The Red Tent, The Little Prince, The Way the Crow Flies, Slaughterhouse-Five, The Poisonwood Bible, The Fall, The Knot of Vipers, Calculating God, The Chrysalids, Sick Puppy, Nineteen Eighty-Four, Franny and Zooey, The Brothers Karamazov, and jPod. I am slightly neurotic. No I'm not. Yes I am.

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